Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
