You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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