3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
