if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
