I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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