Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
