Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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