shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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