im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
