My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
dude. I can hear the air.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
