Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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