U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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