I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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