You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
