so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't tell me you're on acid again
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
