i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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