I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
