somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
