When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
