meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
