And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
