in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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