Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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