I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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