i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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