guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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