we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
