The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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