You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
