at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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