drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
