What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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