I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
