So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We need to get me chipped asap
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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