WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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