My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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