The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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