She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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