I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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