A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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