ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
