Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
