I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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