Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
