I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
