y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
