I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
