You're my little dorito
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
