so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
