I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
