Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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