So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
