I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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