I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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