At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
