im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
