fuck your aforementioned shoe
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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