I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
