so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
