When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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