fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
