You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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