a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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