sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
